Why Being A Christian Sucks.

I’ve grown less fond of the word ‘Christian.’

I mean technically I am one, I read the book, I sing the songs, I’m a season ticket holder at Holy Trinity Brompton with good seats. But I feel the word ‘Christian’ brings a whole bunch of sticky labels and storage boxes with it, all from Ryman’s beige range.

It sucks.

Ironically  Jesus never even said the word ‘Christian.’ He does the whole emotional goodbye thing up to heaven and then leaves the disciples without a name, and fishermen aren’t really the creative types are they? They probably felt similar anxiety to contestants on the 1st episode of The Apprentice thinking up their team name.

John: What we thinking? It’s gotta be sexy, epic, true to our core.

Peter:  How about ‘The Ch-riminals?  Kind of swaggy..

John: Sexy Pete, not lame. 

Matthew: We could just put the first letter of our names all together?

John: That’s just cringe Matty.

Cut to Ian drunk in the corner

Ian: Haaww abbbbbaaautt the The Christ-IAN’s? 

(Burps and farts at the same time, spills Peroni.)

 

John:  Ok anybody else?

 

When you come out the Christian closet, you suddenly open yourself up to a parade of questions. ‘Are you allowed to have sex?’ ‘ Who sang the soundtrack to Prince of Egypt? ‘Are you allowed to have sex? ‘What’s the deal with the Ark?’ Are you allowed to have sex on an Ark? It’s hard not to react to their ignorance,  everything in me just wants to shout ‘IT’S A WHITNEY AND MARIAH DUET  YOU FREAAAKKKKKKINGG  IDDIOTTT!!!’

So now days I even don’t really say I’m a ‘Christian,’  I lean more towards the phrase ‘Jelieber.’ I’ve already started going round adding it to the religion section on equal opportunity forms. (Actually Bieber if you’re reading please could you drop the copyright on your one. It’s proving a stumbling block for some t-shirt and bumper sticker ideas I’ve got.)

Anyway here’s the sugar, the way I describe my Christian faith not through a Ryman’s beige storage box of default opinions on gay marriage, abortion, why the Noah movie was shit.. It’s through a deep, wild, authentic friendship, that couldn’t tell you what beige even is..

I don’t view my  ‘Christianity’ through a point system of church services attended, cigarettes not smoked, swear words not said, girls breasts not grappled. Instead I see a  relationship that over the years has been packed with; Laughs, conversation, arguments, celebration, purpose, contentment, passion, intimacy, closeness, loud swearing (all me), frustration, adventure, hope, doubt, loyalty, tenderness, dreaming, decision making, faithfulness, start overs, repair, even louder swearing (again all me.) and most of all, love.

For he reached into a shallow life of mine and carved something worth living out of it.

http://www.Jeliebermerch.org

 

 

Being Single Your Whole Life Is Better Than You Think

I’ve been single my whole life…  Apart from a brief stint in Year 11, (If you don’t mind I won’t go into it too much, It was a messy break up on MSN) there’s been no one. Nout. Zero.  Zilch. (I’m running out of ways to say nobody help me somebody)  Zap, nuffin, numero zero, N. O. Body (Ok that’s me done.)

I’ve spent my whole adult life, single..

I’m glad you don’t have to apply for relationships. ‘Sir could you explain this 9 year gap?’ I would be in trouble. I haven’t even had any part time/casual work. I’ve been self employed my whole relationship career.  I’m not gonna pretend that there hasn’t been a few brief spouts of excitement here and there, ‘Oh my gosh, Holly has liked 3 profile pics of mine in a row, I think i’m in boys!’ Or ‘Jennifer just asked me to go on Pointless with her, blatantly gonna nail her!’

Before in the olden days,I used to be bitter. I suppose I didn’t understand why I was in a continuing waiting mode for my babe. I used to get pissed of at Jesus and lash out at him ‘Jesus it’s not my fault you had no game, just because you never had a girl on the go don’t take it out on me!!! ‘  Jesus if you’re reading, that’s a joke, you’re great. I’m sure you could of pulled girls if you wanted too. After the water into wine episode I bet all the honeys were grinding up on you!

I would believe stupid lies, lies such as that ‘I just didn’t qualify for relationships’, ‘fanciable was something out my grasp, something unachievable. I would struggle seeing my friends find their true love, worse than that, ugly friends!  ‘Acne Dave is hooking up with Kathy, as if!!’ I wasn’t losing out superstar studs, I was losing out to 4/10’s with acne.  What was wrong with me? If I was a girl, I would wanna date me! Funny, kind, partial to a Mean Girls night, efficient in David Brent impressions..

Rob, you had me at hello…

But what I didn’t realise until my twenties is that singleness for me was actually a gift, and not a shit gift too. So many of my friends have launched into relationships and had their heart ran over and left by the side of the road. That has come at a cost for them. Their broken heart would then leak into all different pockets of their life It takes less work to protect something that’s whole than fix something that’s broken. . But for me, I still had mine untouched, unblemished, in simple terms, not F***ed with. I didn’t know how powerful this was. I could  stand at the side of  brokenness and  view it from a place of wholeness. I had the advantage of knowing knew what healthy looked like. Purity comes with power!

Singleness has really helped me find contentment my own skin, I  I’ve become at home with me. I really know myself you know. I am confident enough to walk with an independent spirit, not co-dependent on a relationship to fix anything.

When I eventually do find my bae, (trust me i’m not called to be one of them Cliff Richard celibate types) that beautiful thing it it will come from a pure heart. It’s my biggest dream to have a family. i long to be a Dad, to have a wife. I would totally have kids now if it was biologically  possible. Just getting one of them ‘baby on board’ TFL badges would make the whole process worth it. Singleness has helped me become more comfortable to  with the ‘Not yets’ in my life. Not just a girlfriend, but other dreams in other areas as well.  Me and the ‘Not yets’ are cool now. We used to hate each other, but now we can appreciate each other.

Thanks for reading, you might think this is just a sob story,  well you’d be right. I’m going to make a book out of this stuff!

Rob Morgan: The Vagina Void Vol 1 – Available at most retailers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Did The News Become Netflix!?

Imagine if your parents told you the 5 worst things about you everyday, you’d probably not think that highly of yourself.. Well imagine how the world feels bless him!

I hate the news, genuinely. There’s not many things I hate in life (ok ambivalent Monopoly players, that’s a given) but seriously these newsy guys are  getting on my  freaking teets! I try my best not to watch it now, usually I just catch the end, you know when the sports reader warns you to look away at the footie results (I never look away! FU system!). Anyway if there’s a Nucleur bomb on it’s way i’m sure someone will keep me in the loop. Probably by a Whats App group chat labeled ‘Nookzzaaaaa!’

Jezza: Oi oi top lads, Russia dropped the cheeky one innit. Poor bantz 😦

Big Gaz: ffs..

The news should not be listed under ‘Factual’ it should be under ‘Entertainment’. It’s motive is no longer to tell the most accurate news,  it’s to match the Keeping up with Kardashian’s figures. I suppose my main beef is that it doesn’t represent a true condition of the world. They fool us into embracing a doomsday spirit, an’everything is bad and it’s getting worse mindset.

Before all them shouty types come at me, I don’t want to be ignorant of the fact that we live in a broken world and there’s LOTS of difficult, complex, heartbreaking problems right now, that are in desperate need of solutions. Imagine if Churchill had an ‘EVERYTHING IS  F***ING DOOMED!’ mindset against the Nazis though. This post would of probably been written in German! (Yes it still would of probably been funny, would of probably changed a few cultural references here and there, the Whats App bit would of had to go, or maybe I could of worked it in? I like to think I could of.. I dunno i’ll guess we’ll never know…) Thanks Churchill babes!!

The sad thing is some people get consumed by news. They binge watch it and gossip with their friends about the latest episodes. ‘Oh my gosh you up to the Isis bit yet!’ ‘Don’t you just hate Putin!!’ ‘Honey why did you watch the Trump campaign without me!? We’re out of sync now! ‘

Imagine how much less scared of terrorism would be if every attack wasn’t piledrived into our heads 24/7. How much less scared of flying? Natural disasters? I mean Isis have the best PR in the world right now. Anybody who wants to get into the marketing biz,  do an unpaid internship for Isis!

I suppose my message is simply this. Don’t let the evil minority happenings of this world become bigger than the good majority happenings..

Anyway rant over..

CNN and chill?

 

5 Things I Learnt Breaking Up With Facebook

After a 7 year relationship since school, me and my digital bae Facebook decided to take a break and see other people for a year. It’s cool, no need for the scented candles  and that midget size Ferrer Roche starter pack, we left it on good terms. .

It was pretty unhealthy if i’m honest, she was a bit of a control freak. I would have to see her like everyday!! Then when we did hang out, she would just talk about obscure high school friends that recently passed their driving theory test or finished Manchester Met with a 2:1, it was weird. We decided to take a  break, this is what happened.

1)  I realized I didn’t actually need many friends

It was intriguing to see what relationships would stick and which ones were just for the internet. No prizes for guessing that their was a big drop off.. (Genuinely, will try and get prizes for next time)  To be honest I realized people don’t really need that many friends, just good ones. 5 rich relationships is way better than a hundred skint ones on benefits.

2) Less noise

Not scrolling through a million other voices each day helped me to actually think and have less mental real estate clogging me up. I could focus more without being constantly distracted with invites to my 2nd cousin’s latest Deathcore band gig.

(Side note: The Black Dark Death are playing London soon, tickets available via website)

3) I stopped comparing my behind the scenes with people’s highlight reel

Facebook only really shows  everyone’s highlights, it’s our very  own Match of the Day,  just with less completed pass statistics. Someone said (Not me, probably one of them la la spiritual woozies) ‘Stop comparing your behind the scenes to other people’s highlight reel.’ Comparison usually offers nothing, it rarely adds or helps.  Sort of like that fatty in the school football team who’s only there because his Dad’s on the PTA board.

4) I Became more present

‘Being present’ has made it into that ‘ Talking Christian/Spiritual for dummies’ phrase book now. It’s becoming the ‘one to watch’ of the buzz word community. Genuinely though, I found it nice when I could sit down with a friend and not have them push notifications being you know, all pushy. These days you are competing with a thousand options all at one time, all probably better than your mate talking about her swollen verruca, but you get better returns on things when you fully invest. (Carol you should get that thing checked out.)

5) Less scared of missing out

The final inspirational motivational point is that I just basically became less bothered. I didn’t care if I wasn’t invited to the cool gathering, I didn’t care if I missed the hip industry party. (Customer Service assistants throw the best ones!) I just didn’t care. I just became more at home in my own. (If that even makes sense.) I did miss a girl 2 years below me at school’s Zumba launch party. Only a handful of regrets, that has to be one of them..

 

Me and FB did eventually get back together.. This time on different terms. I don’t let her control me like she used too.  Anybody else who is with her (I know she gets around ALOT) I  advise taking a break for a bit, maybe even call it quits for good.

P.S Facebook make it so hard to actually fully delete your account!  I suggest hiring a lawyer and be able to present a full  CRB check completed in the last 5 years.

To people in your 20s – YOU ARE NOT OLD

Rowling started at 33

Gervais started a 38

Christ started at 30.

 

Me – Starting at some point…

 

20s I love you, but you’re a bit of a cockney rascal aren’t you let’s be honest. 20s friends, it feels like we should be on our way now doesn’t it. We should have our pension plan sorted, our progression plan memorised, that pink Smith’s ring binder full of potential baby names.  Obviously I have all of them things, but this might help some of you not so great ones..

(Side note: When I say 20s, I mean ages between 20 and 29, forgive me I use a lot of contemporary buzz words.)

We live in a fast food culture where needs are a click way. We have instant access to news, movies, gentle foreplay (I love Christian Mingle.) Our culture celebrates the young Mark Zukerbergs and Evan Spiegels who conquered their dreams in pre-school, so much so we begin to think that’s the standard. If we haven’t ‘done anything’ by 25, suddenly we put ourselves on an E4 countdown of ‘Top 100 Biggest Absolute Definite Losers.’

I think it’s sad we don’t look forward to getting older anymore. Birthday Parties have just become the birthday boy/girl/pet drunkenly complaining how old they are, whilst they spill Jamesons and Coke down my favourite Debenhams crew cut. (Please pace yourself next time Sally, Debenhams are not your ‘cheap and easy’ retailer.) I am beginning to enjoy growing older, I mean you know yourself better, you’ve had more experiences and you start viewing life through more of a mature lens (I did try telling this to Sally, she just made that weird drunk gargling sound.)

To people in their 20s who are anxious that they haven’t ‘done anything’ with their life. (Again completely not relevant to me… this is just a trend i’ve observed.) Instead of always looking at the map wondering if you’re going the right way, maybe just enjoy the journey. (NOOOOOOO  anything but ‘enjoy the journey’ Rob.)

Ok let’s put it in produce terms, what i’m saying is that there isn’t a best before date on where you want to go (Ok maybe if you want to be under 11’s UK karate champion, that boat might of sailed.) But wherever you are at the moment, I ask you to remember that 20s is young, you’re not on borrowed time, you’re doing just fine..

Besides who wants a Smith’s pink ring binder at this age anyway..

 

P.S Who loves the random inspirational rock at the top? Definitely adds to the post..

Rob