What Easter Means To Me

Hello guys,

It’s April 2017 and currently at this moment I can’t think of anyone who I would literally die on a cross for. Maybe my immediate family, but even then there would have to be some perks. I’m thinking at least a secluded table area in Heaven with a plus 9 guest list, wings on tap, T-Pain on repeat. At least.

This is why when I get to Easter I struggle with the cross. This guy died for people he never knew! People he never knew, that could even perhaps go on in life and become, i’m sorry Mum, ultimate dickheads!

I mean these are just a few of the people Jesus died for..

  • He died for Lorraine at Starbucks who spells my name with a D instead of a B.
  • He died for that ‘Artist’ who thinks their crowdfunded EP will solve Syria.
  • He died for the Olsen twins.
  • He died for the guy who still has to wear the Nandos chicken outfit.
  • He died for The Great Khali.
  • He died for all the lads who are true true lads.
  • He died for all the Doctor Who actors.
  • He died for Scunthorpe fans.
  • He died for the Akabusi family.
  • He died for every Gareth Malone choir.
  • He died for the cast of Roseanne.
  • He died for the guy on the Daz adverts.
  • He died for little Ant and Dec.
  • He died for all of The Sugababes.
  • He died for the guys who ring up Babestation.
  • He died for every Blue Peter presenter, and their pets. (George, Mabel etc)
  • He died for that guy who thinks The Holiday should of been Oscar nominated
  • He died for the guy who pitched Turkey Dinosaurs as a concept. (What a guy)
  • He died for the introverts.
  • He died for the clowns.
  • He died for the anxious
  • He died for the messy.
  • He died for the addicts.
  • He died for the cynics.
  • He died for the simple.
  • He died for the weird
  • He died for the quiet.
  • He died for the optimists.
  • He died for the performers.
  • He died for the dreamers.
  • He died for the creators.
  • He died for the curious.
  • He died for the rebels.

He invited all.

And thus, It was a good Friday.

5 Reasons I Love Trump

Ok it’s a false title, so what get over it. I need to market this irrelevant tin pot blog somehow!!

I don’t like being controversial but I’ll go out on a limb and say the Internet Messiah game is very much weighted towards the top. There was a time when you could release ‘Getting to the 2nd Date’ posts every fortnight and still gain significant traction. Not now people. No. The game is dead. So false titles it is.

Anyway since my last post banger, (A Letter to the 15 Year Old Me – still available) it saddens me that the political climate has gone kind of bland, vanilla, almost an Air BnB stay in Derby-esq.* Reluctantly once again I need to drop my community garden project and use this platform to stir the coals in some of you.

I wish that was the case.

The truth everyone is a bit scared. I have many  friends who are anxious and unsettled at the state of the world. That’s fair.  But something gets my back up when people say  ‘Lets book our seats for the apocalypse.’ When people celebrate the condition of the world as a sign of the end times. When people subscribe to the spirit of ‘everything is getting shittier.’ It pisses me off.

Some news for you.

I do not subscribe to the spirit of everything is getting shittier. 

Let me tell you this. Whatever day you find yourself in, there is always an opportunity for hope. Presidents come and go. Hope does not. So do yourself a favour take your eyes off the doomsday clock, turn off the media horror show, and start to breathe again. Be confident that good is happening in this world. Because it is. We are not at the end yet. We’ve barely started.

 

It’s gonna be ok.

 

Rob

 

*I have never stayed in Derby.

 

 

 

A Letter To The 15 Year Old Me

Hey Rob,

Mid twenties Rob ere, hope you’re well..

Just a quick heads up, MTV cancelled Laguna beach, oh and your band split up, soz. Anyway here are some things I’ve learned that will help you in the next decade.

  • LOVE people.
  • Your job doesn’t define you.
  • They’ll drop, be patient..
  • God is closer than you think.
  • Singleness isn’t the worst relationship status in the world.
  • All that WWE trivia knowledge will be a waste.
  • You’re not on borrowed time
  • Celebrate other people’s victories as your own
  • Don’t confuse success with popularity.
  •  Pokemon will be back.
  • You can’t avoid confrontation your whole life Rob. Rob?
  • Read idiot.
  • Just tell her!!!!!!!! 
  • Yeah about the 3 quarter lengths and shin high socks combo..
  • Be the most authentic Rob Morgan you can be. 
  • Dreaming big will be hard on you, but don’t let that stop you. (This point works better sung  to the Glee soundtrack)
  • They’re going to do Dumb and Dumber 2,  stop them.
  • You’re sexier than you give yourself credit for, seriously..
  • Chill out on the Nutella though, seriously..
  • Be a generous giver x100.
  • Joy is powerful. Put it in your bag and take it wherever you go.
  • Let your yes mean yes and no mean no.
  • Art is important.
  • Relationships, life is about relationships.
  • Don’t let the news tell you how to think.
  • Live in the present.
  • Growing older is fun.
  • Hope big.
  • See the gold in people.
  • Wear your retainer.
  • Jeez quit doing them MJ moves.
  • There’s other TV shows than The Office   (Actually, no)
  • Delete your Myspace account.
  • Travel to weird /far away/Pret A Manger-free countries.
  • Get good at something, good enough they start paying you.
  • Have the courage to follow the less travelled path.
  • Quoting High School Musical isn’t ‘getting you in there.’
  • 97.4% of the stuff you worry about will never happen to you.
  • Celebrate your weirdness.
  • No haircut will ever compliment you.
  • Don’t compromise on stuff that’s important to you.
  • The Doug thing won’t stop.
  •  No shame in running up your blockbuster fine so you can re-watch Just Married. #noshame
  • Live well. 

 

Yours faithfully,

Mid twenties Rob.

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOBODY CARES!!!!!!

NOBODY CARES! (In a good way)

If you’ve never had a girlfriend, if you don’t know what you’re doing in life, if your dream to be an actor isn’t working out, if you’ve never really had a proper job, if you’re still living at home, if nobody bought your soul/folk EP, if your Youtube channel has 5 subscribers, if you’ve put on 2 stone this year, if you’re on your 8th gap year, if you started writing a book  but never finished it, if your Tech start up is failing, if nobody asked you to prom, if you went travelling and it sucked, if you’re the worst sales guy at your company, if nobody put in for your charity fundraiser, if you didn’t make the Ultimate Frisbee team, if you don’t think Jennifer Aniston is still hot, NOBODY CARES!!!!!

When we go out on a new venture, try something new, express ourselves, we’re arrogant enough to think that the whole world is watching us when we fail. Well just so you know, nobody really genuinely cares. Everybody is too busy thinking about themselves, already swamped thinking about their own needs and wants. I don’t mean that in a narcissistic or uncompassionate way, it’s just your downfalls and failures are really not high priority.  You’re the only one thinking you’re a ‘failure,’ not us.

Take my thought life for example, i’ve put it in a pie chart to simplify it..

Screen Shot 2016-07-16 at 15.10.30.png

See? My thinking is already dominated by Disney’s golden couple and The Earth Song. You on the other hand, take up 3 percent.. Congrats..

So take this post as permission to fail. Get good at it. Make it a daily practice. Fail often and fail hard. Because the reality is, nobody efffingg  cares!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Letting Go of One Day Being Known

 

I used to wanna be famous…  Like bad..  Almost kind of weird bad..

 

My biggest motivation for doing or being anything would always point towards fame and influence. That was my metric for ‘success.’ How many people saw it!? How many likes!? Craig David Retweeted it! CRAIG DAVID RETWEETED IT!! CAN I GET A FREAKING REWIN – Oh fake account..

So many of us want to be seen..  We obsess over the hits, the shares, the views, the likes, the retweets. It’s ingrained in our culture, a simple desire to be known.  I’m sure Jesus was the same, spamming everyone’s news feed about his next preaching gig.

 

Last posted 14th March 31Ad 2.12pm:

‘BREETHHHREEEN!! PERFORMING MY NEW HOUR OF MATERIAL ON THE MOUNT TOMOZ.  NEW SPIRITUAL INSIGHTS,  ANECDOTES,   AGRICULTURAL METAPHORS!!! 

 LETS GET THIS MO FO MESSIAH TO 10000 FOLLOWERS!!!!!!

*Peter Liked this*

Side note: All of Jesus’s teachings bring greater revelation in the voice of Fat Man Scoop..

So here’s the sugar, I am slowly devaluing fame, popularity and success to the market price it deserves.  Instead now I get more more excited about just simply living well. No Jonathan Ross interview needed.

So here’s to the hidden ones, the invisible, the ordinary who just simply live well. I wanna be one of you guys! Someone who is no longer building and creating with wide eyes for ‘success.’ Someone who attacks  life with a spirit of contribution and service. Someone  who’s letting go of one day being known.

(See what I did there, put the title of the post at the end to give it a little resolve, sign of a mature writer that is  – Again if you missed it)
Someone who’s letting go of one day being known..

 

PS. Shout out to the bridge for being the photo, that was the stock photo that came up when I typed in ‘Fame’

Searching For My Porn Star Wife

Me and Jesus don’t have the same taste in women.

‘Rob what about Sally?’ He says. ‘She’s full of integrity, compassion and  love.’ I’m like ‘Dude, Sally is 6 ft 4 and wears a retainer..’

Equally I’ll then see a girl with fat off boobs wearing a Switchfoot shirt and lift my hands up in praise shouting  ‘Hallelujah, thy equal yoke is here!’

I won’t lie, there’s tension between my heart and sex instruments. (By sex instruments I don’t mean bassoons wearing low cut tops.)  The two of them simply don’t get on. It’s hard them being in the same body, it’s like an awkward family Christmas in there! As soon as my heart connects with an amazing Jesus loving woman on a deeper level and is deliberating whether to  pursue something more, the boys in the barracks are lethargic, disengaged and simply cannot be arsed.. It’s very frustrating. I have to frequently pull them aside ‘Lads do you want marital covenant sex or not?! Because at the moment you’re making it VERY FREAKING HAARDDDD. (Yep pun intended)

I’m probably shocking people right now, ‘ Rob struggles with this!? The one guy we thought had it figured out? The guy who we all look too? The champion? The ultimate warri -‘ enough Rob.. The answer is yes. However slowly i’m learning to be more curious and open with potential relationship opportunities (That’s pretty much a spirit filled way of saying less shallow.)

I can’t blame myself completely for all this. Thanks to Disney, The Notebook, PornHub, I am a part of a culture that has been conditioned to expect perfect. Porn Star perfect. We’ve been sold that contentment starts when we meet that  airbrushed, photo-shopped 2d girl, who gets your Office quotes. 

 Fail. 

So to all you beautiful babes, on the behalf of guys, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that in our shallowness  sometimes we overlook possible future partners just because you aren’t the right height, have the right curves, possess that weird ear lobe  (Trust me I’ve seen some damn weeeeeeiiirrrdd lobes) You are all BEAUTIFUL. So beautiful.  We need more men who listen to their heart more than their penis. Men who value integrity, compassion and love over fat off boobs.

Thanks for listening.

 

P.S A  quick thanks to the sub team who helped brain storm genitalia metaphors. Beers round mine next week.

 

 

Why Being A Christian Sucks.

I’ve grown less fond of the word ‘Christian.’

I mean technically I am one, I read the book, I sing the songs, I’m a season ticket holder at Holy Trinity Brompton with good seats. But I feel the word ‘Christian’ brings a whole bunch of sticky labels and storage boxes with it, all from Ryman’s beige range.

It sucks.

Ironically  Jesus never even said the word ‘Christian.’ He does the whole emotional goodbye thing up to heaven and then leaves the disciples without a name, and fishermen aren’t really the creative types are they? They probably felt similar anxiety to contestants on the 1st episode of The Apprentice thinking up their team name.

John: What we thinking? It’s gotta be sexy, epic, true to our core.

Peter:  How about ‘The Ch-riminals?  Kind of swaggy..

John: Sexy Pete, not lame. 

Matthew: We could just put the first letter of our names all together?

John: That’s just cringe Matty.

Cut to Ian drunk in the corner

Ian: Haaww abbbbbaaautt the The Christ-IAN’s? 

(Burps and farts at the same time, spills Peroni.)

 

John:  Ok anybody else?

 

When you come out the Christian closet, you suddenly open yourself up to a parade of questions. ‘Are you allowed to have sex?’ ‘ Who sang the soundtrack to Prince of Egypt? ‘Are you allowed to have sex? ‘What’s the deal with the Ark?’ Are you allowed to have sex on an Ark? It’s hard not to react to their ignorance,  everything in me just wants to shout ‘IT’S A WHITNEY AND MARIAH DUET  YOU FREAAAKKKKKKINGG  IDDIOTTT!!!’

So now days I even don’t really say I’m a ‘Christian,’  I lean more towards the phrase ‘Jelieber.’ I’ve already started going round adding it to the religion section on equal opportunity forms. (Actually Bieber if you’re reading please could you drop the copyright on your one. It’s proving a stumbling block for some t-shirt and bumper sticker ideas I’ve got.)

Anyway here’s the sugar, the way I describe my Christian faith not through a Ryman’s beige storage box of default opinions on gay marriage, abortion, why the Noah movie was shit.. It’s through a deep, wild, authentic friendship, that couldn’t tell you what beige even is..

I don’t view my  ‘Christianity’ through a point system of church services attended, cigarettes not smoked, swear words not said, girls breasts not grappled. Instead I see a  relationship that over the years has been packed with; Laughs, conversation, arguments, celebration, purpose, contentment, passion, intimacy, closeness, loud swearing (all me), frustration, adventure, hope, doubt, loyalty, tenderness, dreaming, decision making, faithfulness, start overs, repair, even louder swearing (again all me.) and most of all, love.

For he reached into a shallow life of mine and carved something worth living out of it.

http://www.Jeliebermerch.org

 

 

Being Single Your Whole Life Is Better Than You Think

I’ve been single my whole life…  Apart from a brief stint in Year 11, (If you don’t mind I won’t go into it too much, It was a messy break up on MSN) there’s been no one. Nout. Zero.  Zilch. (I’m running out of ways to say nobody help me somebody)  Zap, nuffin, numero zero, N. O. Body (Ok that’s me done.)

I’ve spent my whole adult life, single..

I’m glad you don’t have to apply for relationships. ‘Sir could you explain this 9 year gap?’ I would be in trouble. I haven’t even had any part time/casual work. I’ve been self employed my whole relationship career.  I’m not gonna pretend that there hasn’t been a few brief spouts of excitement here and there, ‘Oh my gosh, Holly has liked 3 profile pics of mine in a row, I think i’m in boys!’ Or ‘Jennifer just asked me to go on Pointless with her, blatantly gonna nail her!’

Before in the olden days,I used to be bitter. I suppose I didn’t understand why I was in a continuing waiting mode for my babe. I used to get pissed of at Jesus and lash out at him ‘Jesus it’s not my fault you had no game, just because you never had a girl on the go don’t take it out on me!!! ‘  Jesus if you’re reading, that’s a joke, you’re great. I’m sure you could of pulled girls if you wanted too. After the water into wine episode I bet all the honeys were grinding up on you!

I would believe stupid lies, lies such as that ‘I just didn’t qualify for relationships’, ‘fanciable was something out my grasp, something unachievable. I would struggle seeing my friends find their true love, worse than that, ugly friends!  ‘Acne Dave is hooking up with Kathy, as if!!’ I wasn’t losing out superstar studs, I was losing out to 4/10’s with acne.  What was wrong with me? If I was a girl, I would wanna date me! Funny, kind, partial to a Mean Girls night, efficient in David Brent impressions..

Rob, you had me at hello…

But what I didn’t realise until my twenties is that singleness for me was actually a gift, and not a shit gift too. So many of my friends have launched into relationships and had their heart ran over and left by the side of the road. That has come at a cost for them. Their broken heart would then leak into all different pockets of their life It takes less work to protect something that’s whole than fix something that’s broken. . But for me, I still had mine untouched, unblemished, in simple terms, not F***ed with. I didn’t know how powerful this was. I could  stand at the side of  brokenness and  view it from a place of wholeness. I had the advantage of knowing knew what healthy looked like. Purity comes with power!

Singleness has really helped me find contentment my own skin, I  I’ve become at home with me. I really know myself you know. I am confident enough to walk with an independent spirit, not co-dependent on a relationship to fix anything.

When I eventually do find my bae, (trust me i’m not called to be one of them Cliff Richard celibate types) that beautiful thing it it will come from a pure heart. It’s my biggest dream to have a family. i long to be a Dad, to have a wife. I would totally have kids now if it was biologically  possible. Just getting one of them ‘baby on board’ TFL badges would make the whole process worth it. Singleness has helped me become more comfortable to  with the ‘Not yets’ in my life. Not just a girlfriend, but other dreams in other areas as well.  Me and the ‘Not yets’ are cool now. We used to hate each other, but now we can appreciate each other.

Thanks for reading, you might think this is just a sob story,  well you’d be right. I’m going to make a book out of this stuff!

Rob Morgan: The Vagina Void Vol 1 – Available at most retailers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Did The News Become Netflix!?

Imagine if your parents told you the 5 worst things about you everyday, you’d probably not think that highly of yourself.. Well imagine how the world feels bless him!

I hate the news, genuinely. There’s not many things I hate in life (ok ambivalent Monopoly players, that’s a given) but seriously these newsy guys are  getting on my  freaking teets! I try my best not to watch it now, usually I just catch the end, you know when the sports reader warns you to look away at the footie results (I never look away! FU system!). Anyway if there’s a Nucleur bomb on it’s way i’m sure someone will keep me in the loop. Probably by a Whats App group chat labeled ‘Nookzzaaaaa!’

Jezza: Oi oi top lads, Russia dropped the cheeky one innit. Poor bantz 😦

Big Gaz: ffs..

The news should not be listed under ‘Factual’ it should be under ‘Entertainment’. It’s motive is no longer to tell the most accurate news,  it’s to match the Keeping up with Kardashian’s figures. I suppose my main beef is that it doesn’t represent a true condition of the world. They fool us into embracing a doomsday spirit, an’everything is bad and it’s getting worse mindset.

Before all them shouty types come at me, I don’t want to be ignorant of the fact that we live in a broken world and there’s LOTS of difficult, complex, heartbreaking problems right now, that are in desperate need of solutions. Imagine if Churchill had an ‘EVERYTHING IS  F***ING DOOMED!’ mindset against the Nazis though. This post would of probably been written in German! (Yes it still would of probably been funny, would of probably changed a few cultural references here and there, the Whats App bit would of had to go, or maybe I could of worked it in? I like to think I could of.. I dunno i’ll guess we’ll never know…) Thanks Churchill babes!!

The sad thing is some people get consumed by news. They binge watch it and gossip with their friends about the latest episodes. ‘Oh my gosh you up to the Isis bit yet!’ ‘Don’t you just hate Putin!!’ ‘Honey why did you watch the Trump campaign without me!? We’re out of sync now! ‘

Imagine how much less scared of terrorism would be if every attack wasn’t piledrived into our heads 24/7. How much less scared of flying? Natural disasters? I mean Isis have the best PR in the world right now. Anybody who wants to get into the marketing biz,  do an unpaid internship for Isis!

I suppose my message is simply this. Don’t let the evil minority happenings of this world become bigger than the good majority happenings..

Anyway rant over..

CNN and chill?

 

5 Churchill Quotes That Usually Make Me Self-Combust

Over the past few years I’ve began to fall in love with Winst. He’s brilliant isn’t he,  why haven’t they written him into The Bible yet? Even just a little ‘What was that Winston!??’ section half way through the book of Leviticus. A few quotes, some anecdotes, obviously the Tommy gun pic, it would be more than a nice break..

Anyway here are my 5 favourite gems of his..

1) ‘Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.’

Classic.

2) ‘If you’re going through hell, keep going.’

Classic.

3) ‘You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.’

Absolute classic.

4) ‘A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.’

Ahhhh CLASSSSIC.

5)’I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.’

****%&&^^%%%$$$$ CLASSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCC!!!!!!!!

 

That road at  the top of the page  is very significant in Churchill’s life and ultimately means absolutely everything in this post.