Searching For My Porn Star Wife

Me and Jesus don’t have the same taste in women.

‘Rob what about Sally?’ He says. ‘She’s full of integrity, compassion and  love.’ I’m like ‘Dude, Sally is 6 ft 4 and wears a retainer..’

Equally I’ll then see a girl with fat off boobs wearing a Switchfoot shirt and lift my hands up in praise shouting  ‘Hallelujah, thy equal yoke is here!’

I won’t lie, there’s tension between my heart and sex instruments. (By sex instruments I don’t mean bassoons wearing low cut tops.)  The two of them simply don’t get on. It’s hard them being in the same body, it’s like an awkward family Christmas in there! As soon as my heart connects with an amazing Jesus loving woman on a deeper level and is deliberating whether to  pursue something more, the boys in the barracks are lethargic, disengaged and simply cannot be arsed.. It’s very frustrating. I have to frequently pull them aside ‘Lads do you want marital covenant sex or not?! Because at the moment you’re making it VERY FREAKING HAARDDDD. (Yep pun intended)

I’m probably shocking people right now, ‘ Rob struggles with this!? The one guy we thought had it figured out? The guy who we all look too? The champion? The ultimate warri -‘ enough Rob.. The answer is yes. However slowly i’m learning to be more curious and open with potential relationship opportunities (That’s pretty much a spirit filled way of saying less shallow.)

I can’t blame myself completely for all this. Thanks to Disney, The Notebook, PornHub, I am a part of a culture that has been conditioned to expect perfect. Porn Star perfect. We’ve been sold that contentment starts when we meet that  airbrushed, photo-shopped 2d girl, who gets your Office quotes. 

 Fail. 

So to all you beautiful babes, on the behalf of guys, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that in our shallowness  sometimes we overlook possible future partners just because you aren’t the right height, have the right curves, possess that weird ear lobe  (Trust me I’ve seen some damn weeeeeeiiirrrdd lobes) You are all BEAUTIFUL. So beautiful.  We need more men who listen to their heart more than their penis. Men who value integrity, compassion and love over fat off boobs.

Thanks for listening.

 

P.S A  quick thanks to the sub team who helped brain storm genitalia metaphors. Beers round mine next week.

 

 

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