Searching For My Porn Star Wife

Me and Jesus don’t have the same taste in women.

‘Rob what about Sally?’ He says. ‘She’s full of integrity, compassion and  love.’ I’m like ‘Dude, Sally is 6 ft 4 and wears a retainer..’

Equally I’ll then see a girl with fat off boobs wearing a Switchfoot shirt and lift my hands up in praise shouting  ‘Hallelujah, thy equal yoke is here!’

I won’t lie, there’s tension between my heart and sex instruments. (By sex instruments I don’t mean bassoons wearing low cut tops.)  The two of them simply don’t get on. It’s hard them being in the same body, it’s like an awkward family Christmas in there! As soon as my heart connects with an amazing Jesus loving woman on a deeper level and is deliberating whether to  pursue something more, the boys in the barracks are lethargic, disengaged and simply cannot be arsed.. It’s very frustrating. I have to frequently pull them aside ‘Lads do you want marital covenant sex or not?! Because at the moment you’re making it VERY FREAKING HAARDDDD. (Yep pun intended)

I’m probably shocking people right now, ‘ Rob struggles with this!? The one guy we thought had it figured out? The guy who we all look too? The champion? The ultimate warri -‘ enough Rob.. The answer is yes. However slowly i’m learning to be more curious and open with potential relationship opportunities (That’s pretty much a spirit filled way of saying less shallow.)

I can’t blame myself completely for all this. Thanks to Disney, The Notebook, PornHub, I am a part of a culture that has been conditioned to expect perfect. Porn Star perfect. We’ve been sold that contentment starts when we meet that  airbrushed, photo-shopped 2d girl, who gets your Office quotes. 

 Fail. 

So to all you beautiful babes, on the behalf of guys, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that in our shallowness  sometimes we overlook possible future partners just because you aren’t the right height, have the right curves, possess that weird ear lobe  (Trust me I’ve seen some damn weeeeeeiiirrrdd lobes) You are all BEAUTIFUL. So beautiful.  We need more men who listen to their heart more than their penis. Men who value integrity, compassion and love over fat off boobs.

Thanks for listening.

 

P.S A  quick thanks to the sub team who helped brain storm genitalia metaphors. Beers round mine next week.

 

 

Fear Is A Fraud

I’ll give it to him, fear is innovative, creative, imaginative, but he’s a lousy friend.

Me and him still meet up frequently, out of tradition more than anything. I bring the Merlot, he brings the dismay. I’m learning to treat him more like that blonde kid at school with the prescribed eye patch, who insists he’s got a roller coaster in his back garden.

“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.” – Mark Twain

I mean this is what fear promised me this year alone!

  • 5 London terrorist attacks
  •  2 Commercial airline crashes
  • 1 Brain tumor diagnosis
  •  2 Cardiac arrests
  • Aqquiring both type A and B diabetes
  • 87 car crashes
  • Both parents dying on me
  • 8 Brutal muggings
  • 1 Rare blood disease
  • 3 Delicate avocado scenarios
  • 12 Clothes horse incidents

As you can see that’s a lot of stuff to pack in, scheduling this has been a complete nightmare. (Hallelujah for ical!) I’ve blocked out half a year for the clothes horse incidents alone,  people just don’t get back up from them kind of things.

Obviously that list is somewhat exaggerated, but some of these things I was actually sold on! Let me be clear, I am not naive to the horrific things that happen in this world, but fear is tragedy’s PR man. It tries to persuade us that tragedy’s mainstream. Well it’s not, it’s still very much on an indie label, probably with some mediocre folk bands.

Fear is convincing, persuasive, and sometimes my whole physical being is sold on his fiction. But just remember fear is a blab whore who lusts after attention, governing people with it’s diarrhoea speech. It is very bad at predicting the future, and will never make it in the fortune telling industry.

To this day I’ve still not seen his rollercoaster.

 

Why Being A Christian Sucks.

I’ve grown less fond of the word ‘Christian.’

I mean technically I am one, I read the book, I sing the songs, I’m a season ticket holder at Holy Trinity Brompton with good seats. But I feel the word ‘Christian’ brings a whole bunch of sticky labels and storage boxes with it, all from Ryman’s beige range.

It sucks.

Ironically  Jesus never even said the word ‘Christian.’ He does the whole emotional goodbye thing up to heaven and then leaves the disciples without a name, and fishermen aren’t really the creative types are they? They probably felt similar anxiety to contestants on the 1st episode of The Apprentice thinking up their team name.

John: What we thinking? It’s gotta be sexy, epic, true to our core.

Peter:  How about ‘The Ch-riminals?  Kind of swaggy..

John: Sexy Pete, not lame. 

Matthew: We could just put the first letter of our names all together?

John: That’s just cringe Matty.

Cut to Ian drunk in the corner

Ian: Haaww abbbbbaaautt the The Christ-IAN’s? 

(Burps and farts at the same time, spills Peroni.)

 

John:  Ok anybody else?

 

When you come out the Christian closet, you suddenly open yourself up to a parade of questions. ‘Are you allowed to have sex?’ ‘ Who sang the soundtrack to Prince of Egypt? ‘Are you allowed to have sex? ‘What’s the deal with the Ark?’ Are you allowed to have sex on an Ark? It’s hard not to react to their ignorance,  everything in me just wants to shout ‘IT’S A WHITNEY AND MARIAH DUET  YOU FREAAAKKKKKKINGG  IDDIOTTT!!!’

So now days I even don’t really say I’m a ‘Christian,’  I lean more towards the phrase ‘Jelieber.’ I’ve already started going round adding it to the religion section on equal opportunity forms. (Actually Bieber if you’re reading please could you drop the copyright on your one. It’s proving a stumbling block for some t-shirt and bumper sticker ideas I’ve got.)

Anyway here’s the sugar, the way I describe my Christian faith not through a Ryman’s beige storage box of default opinions on gay marriage, abortion, why the Noah movie was shit.. It’s through a deep, wild, authentic friendship, that couldn’t tell you what beige even is..

I don’t view my  ‘Christianity’ through a point system of church services attended, cigarettes not smoked, swear words not said, girls breasts not grappled. Instead I see a  relationship that over the years has been packed with; Laughs, conversation, arguments, celebration, purpose, contentment, passion, intimacy, closeness, loud swearing (all me), frustration, adventure, hope, doubt, loyalty, tenderness, dreaming, decision making, faithfulness, start overs, repair, even louder swearing (again all me.) and most of all, love.

For he reached into a shallow life of mine and carved something worth living out of it.

http://www.Jeliebermerch.org