Being Single Your Whole Life Is Better Than You Think

I’ve been single my whole life…  Apart from a brief stint in Year 11, (If you don’t mind I won’t go into it too much, It was a messy break up on MSN) there’s been no one. Nout. Zero.  Zilch. (I’m running out of ways to say nobody help me somebody)  Zap, nuffin, numero zero, N. O. Body (Ok that’s me done.)

I’ve spent my whole adult life, single..

I’m glad you don’t have to apply for relationships. ‘Sir could you explain this 9 year gap?’ I would be in trouble. I haven’t even had any part time/casual work. I’ve been self employed my whole relationship career.  I’m not gonna pretend that there hasn’t been a few brief spouts of excitement here and there, ‘Oh my gosh, Holly has liked 3 profile pics of mine in a row, I think i’m in boys!’ Or ‘Jennifer just asked me to go on Pointless with her, blatantly gonna nail her!’

Before in the olden days,I used to be bitter. I suppose I didn’t understand why I was in a continuing waiting mode for my babe. I used to get pissed of at Jesus and lash out at him ‘Jesus it’s not my fault you had no game, just because you never had a girl on the go don’t take it out on me!!! ‘  Jesus if you’re reading, that’s a joke, you’re great. I’m sure you could of pulled girls if you wanted too. After the water into wine episode I bet all the honeys were grinding up on you!

I would believe stupid lies, lies such as that ‘I just didn’t qualify for relationships’, ‘fanciable was something out my grasp, something unachievable. I would struggle seeing my friends find their true love, worse than that, ugly friends!  ‘Acne Dave is hooking up with Kathy, as if!!’ I wasn’t losing out superstar studs, I was losing out to 4/10’s with acne.  What was wrong with me? If I was a girl, I would wanna date me! Funny, kind, partial to a Mean Girls night, efficient in David Brent impressions..

Rob, you had me at hello…

But what I didn’t realise until my twenties is that singleness for me was actually a gift, and not a shit gift too. So many of my friends have launched into relationships and had their heart ran over and left by the side of the road. That has come at a cost for them. Their broken heart would then leak into all different pockets of their life It takes less work to protect something that’s whole than fix something that’s broken. . But for me, I still had mine untouched, unblemished, in simple terms, not F***ed with. I didn’t know how powerful this was. I could  stand at the side of  brokenness and  view it from a place of wholeness. I had the advantage of knowing knew what healthy looked like. Purity comes with power!

Singleness has really helped me find contentment my own skin, I  I’ve become at home with me. I really know myself you know. I am confident enough to walk with an independent spirit, not co-dependent on a relationship to fix anything.

When I eventually do find my bae, (trust me i’m not called to be one of them Cliff Richard celibate types) that beautiful thing it it will come from a pure heart. It’s my biggest dream to have a family. i long to be a Dad, to have a wife. I would totally have kids now if it was biologically  possible. Just getting one of them ‘baby on board’ TFL badges would make the whole process worth it. Singleness has helped me become more comfortable to  with the ‘Not yets’ in my life. Not just a girlfriend, but other dreams in other areas as well.  Me and the ‘Not yets’ are cool now. We used to hate each other, but now we can appreciate each other.

Thanks for reading, you might think this is just a sob story,  well you’d be right. I’m going to make a book out of this stuff!

Rob Morgan: The Vagina Void Vol 1 – Available at most retailers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Did The News Become Netflix!?

Imagine if your parents told you the 5 worst things about you everyday, you’d probably not think that highly of yourself.. Well imagine how the world feels bless him!

I hate the news, genuinely. There’s not many things I hate in life (ok ambivalent Monopoly players, that’s a given) but seriously these newsy guys are  getting on my  freaking teets! I try my best not to watch it now, usually I just catch the end, you know when the sports reader warns you to look away at the footie results (I never look away! FU system!). Anyway if there’s a Nucleur bomb on it’s way i’m sure someone will keep me in the loop. Probably by a Whats App group chat labeled ‘Nookzzaaaaa!’

Jezza: Oi oi top lads, Russia dropped the cheeky one innit. Poor bantz 😦

Big Gaz: ffs..

The news should not be listed under ‘Factual’ it should be under ‘Entertainment’. It’s motive is no longer to tell the most accurate news,  it’s to match the Keeping up with Kardashian’s figures. I suppose my main beef is that it doesn’t represent a true condition of the world. They fool us into embracing a doomsday spirit, an’everything is bad and it’s getting worse mindset.

Before all them shouty types come at me, I don’t want to be ignorant of the fact that we live in a broken world and there’s LOTS of difficult, complex, heartbreaking problems right now, that are in desperate need of solutions. Imagine if Churchill had an ‘EVERYTHING IS  F***ING DOOMED!’ mindset against the Nazis though. This post would of probably been written in German! (Yes it still would of probably been funny, would of probably changed a few cultural references here and there, the Whats App bit would of had to go, or maybe I could of worked it in? I like to think I could of.. I dunno i’ll guess we’ll never know…) Thanks Churchill babes!!

The sad thing is some people get consumed by news. They binge watch it and gossip with their friends about the latest episodes. ‘Oh my gosh you up to the Isis bit yet!’ ‘Don’t you just hate Putin!!’ ‘Honey why did you watch the Trump campaign without me!? We’re out of sync now! ‘

Imagine how much less scared of terrorism would be if every attack wasn’t piledrived into our heads 24/7. How much less scared of flying? Natural disasters? I mean Isis have the best PR in the world right now. Anybody who wants to get into the marketing biz,  do an unpaid internship for Isis!

I suppose my message is simply this. Don’t let the evil minority happenings of this world become bigger than the good majority happenings..

Anyway rant over..

CNN and chill?

 

5 Churchill Quotes That Usually Make Me Self-Combust

Over the past few years I’ve began to fall in love with Winst. He’s brilliant isn’t he,  why haven’t they written him into The Bible yet? Even just a little ‘What was that Winston!??’ section half way through the book of Leviticus. A few quotes, some anecdotes, obviously the Tommy gun pic, it would be more than a nice break..

Anyway here are my 5 favourite gems of his..

1) ‘Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.’

Classic.

2) ‘If you’re going through hell, keep going.’

Classic.

3) ‘You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.’

Absolute classic.

4) ‘A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.’

Ahhhh CLASSSSIC.

5)’I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.’

****%&&^^%%%$$$$ CLASSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCC!!!!!!!!

 

That road at  the top of the page  is very significant in Churchill’s life and ultimately means absolutely everything in this post.